a tasty piece/slice of toast

The introduction to my "One Year Devotional--Walk with God":

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2 (esv)

"We are told in Romans 12:2 to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. As every Christian knows, that's a process. We did not come into this world with a clear perception about God and His kingdom--or about our own selves, for that matter. We began with distorted views, and part of our task a Christians is to let God change our views to accurately reflect His character and His kingdom. In other words, we need wisdom.

...Remember that the Word of God expresses the mind of God. His thoughts are available to us...Most of all, let your mind be renewed and your life be transformed."

Romans 12:2 has been swarming inside of me for quite some time now, and it's becoming apparent that it's not a 'once for all' kind of remedy, so to speak; it's very much a process. But, like me, if you think it's not a daily thing, you'll soon find out that you're doomed. For me, it's a minute by minute thing, but that's okay. I suppose I used to get frustrated that it had to be a daily thing, thinking that I could survive a certain amount of time before coming back to it. No no, not the case; it's not a seasonal vaccination. Or aloe vera for a sunburn. Or one of those weird hangover concoctions. You get the point. Okay, let's see...it's like brushing your teeth. It's a daily thing. Okay, yeah...bad analogies, but whatever. I won't keep you in this trivial paradise for any longer.

For me, my most interesting writings come when my mind is all over the place, and I'm tempted to say that's probably not a good thing. I'm learning how in the world I'm to balance my natural personality with the Holy Spirit inside of me, and it's kinda' hard, I guess. My natural self is a punk of a kid--all neurotic and scattered and anxious, lacking esteem and conquered by comparisons. I also know that I get stuck inside myself with thoughts and words and poetry and music, and I get a little too much like RyGuy Adams and whatever dead poets live inside me. So, I really can't stand that place, but I know it usually produces good work (poems, songs, what have you). But, it takes so much out of me, and it's a dangerous place I don't like visiting. I'm well aware that this showcasing of myself makes me a little funnier, more animated/dramatic, to where I'm kind of like a sideshow spectacle of neuroses and art. (Obviously, my favorite artists are included in this category...you know them if you know me). So, we'll call that extremity A.

I know when I'm calm, (somewhat) collected, and peaceful it's only because it's the inner-workings of the Spirit. I'm very much "out of my mind" in the best way possible. I'm not in my head and my thoughts and my words; and instead, I'm more into sports scores, being outside, more apt to loving on people--not to mention more easily fixated on Christ. Consequently, any interest in producing written work comes to a simple simmer--no boiling out of control. You could say the simmer trades the convolution for a focus; namely, the Lord. It's not that my desire to write disappears, it's just that it seems to simplify itself to the point where it kinda' becomes boring and dull. So that's kinda' frustrating. To clarify, that's not to say that my heavenly focus is boring. I'm just saying my personal outlets for expression kinda' suffer, I suppose. But the kicker is that I'm not anxious or fearful or whatever. I'm very much at ease and all is well within my soul, and I LOVE it. It really sucks to have a over-thinking head if you let it get the best of you. So we'll call that extremity B.

I refuse to believe that adjectives such as "extreme", "obsessive", "possessive", etc. describe me. Now, I may tend to behave that way, but I really don't think it's biblical to act in such a way. I could be wrong, but my convictions lead me to believe that we, as Christians, are pretty useless and ineffective unless we're balanced. I'm learning what it means to live in the median. I'm not very used to it, but I like it, a lot. So, be patient, give me time. The more Romans 12:2-ness I saturate myself with, the better. I know this.

So, I really don't want to abandon either extremity. I just want to fuse them but really don't know how to just yet. When I think about my personal writing and such, I can't help but think that I'm not really doing too much to serve the kingdom. It actually seems pretty selfish to be in my head that much. That's why I consider leaving that for something else. But, I fear that I won't be as "fascinating" or "interesting"--that me by myself won't be enough. And when I think about leaving the pen behind, I don't necessarily like it, but I do know that life's a lot more easily enjoyed that way.

I'm very much figuring out where in the world "creativity" exists in our relationship with God. Part of me wants to say true, legitimate, Platonic creativity dies in relationship to Christ. But part of me also wants to say that creativity is a means of expression that God allows us to use. I really don't know where I stand. We'll see.