new layout is a tad dramatic, i guess...but, whatever.

prettttttty prettttttttty prettttttty

tired of being scared of everything.

kaw-fee

"anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

-soren kierkegaard

make a decision. move. get out of the middle.

quiet down, soul.

surrender

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

Romans 12:1-2

I believe it's not a matter of sacrificing "things" up to God, but rather sacrificing and surrendering your entire being.

Offer up yourself

-your thoughts

-your tendencies

-your weaknesses

-your stubbornness

-your fears

You are good, You are good, and Your love endures

Psalm 23

"The Lord is my shepherd,

I shall not want

He makes me lie down in

green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet

waters.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of

righteousness

For His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the

valley of the shadow of

death,

I fear no evil; for

Thou art with me;

Thy rod and Thy staff, they

comfort me.

Thou dost prepare a table

before me in the presence of

my enemies;

Thou hast anointed my

head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and

lovingkindness will follow

me all the days of my

life,

And I will dwell in the house

of the Lord forever."

I am learning by the grace of God, that in my time of distress, confusion, frustration, and woe, all that I can do to alleviate the fear and lies of the enemy is to worship God--to confess who He is. When I confess his faithfulness, His love, His grace and mercy, His goodness, His sovereignty, that is when I find peace. My soul only finds rest and is no longer left wanting when I seek the Lord.

Am I begging for the cake? And if I'm begging for the cake, is that me trying to force the cake to show up in front of me? Do I need to silence my desires and wants and just see if the cake is given to me? Or is it that it's okay that cake is a desire of mine, and it is generously given to me, but the free gift of such delicious cake freaks me out because I did nothing to deserve it? Where does the anxiety come from if I do really want the cake, and it's okay to want it, and it's been given to me? Does that mean I didn't really want the cake to begin with, or no? Am I scared of the cake? Will the cake make me sick and make me regret eating it?

Do I just think I want the cake, or do I legitimately want the cake (which is freely given and okay to want), but a jealous glutton in the background is playing mind games with me trying to confuse me about what I really want? Is the jealous glutton saying, "No no, you don't really want that piece of cake; you just think you do. That Server over there actually wants you to have cheesecake, but He'll give you the chocolate cake just to show you that you actually don't want the chocolate cake after all, but He's cruel enough to say, 'Figure it out on your own'." So I start to doubt the goodness of the Server and lose all faith and trust in Him. The jealous glutton says, "You aren't close enough to the Server...your desires are wrong; you should feel bad about what you want because what you want isn't what the Server wants for you." So, I feel helplessly doomed to wrestle with confusion as it continually KO's clarity. As soon as I give into the lies of the jealous glutton, the goodness of the Server gets twisted into some game where the Server says with a look of inevitable disappointment, "I really hope you make the right decision."

Or, am I sabotaging my appetite? Am I saying, "Mmm, yes...I want chocolate cake." And the generous Server says, "Okay, that's great...good choice...this is some of the finest chocolate cake in the world. Have it." And then it's given, and I fearfully and frantically say, "Oh...chocolate? I think I wanted some cheesecake, actually, so I'm not even going to enjoy this chocolate cake. I'm gonna' mash it up and spit it out with tears streaming down my face (because I know that I know that I know that I like chocolate cake, and how could I do such a thing?!)." Because when the Server has to clean up the mess because of the allowance I gave my fear, I realize that I knew I wanted the chocolate cake the whole time, and was too fearful to trust my desires and trust that maybe the Server knows me best and made those desires within me for chocolate cake all along. I forget that the Server is a good Server.

The jealous glutton will use any tool necessary to confuse us in order to make us question the goodness of the Server. If we ask for a good piece of cake from the Server whose hand is the only one that can lift the glass case protecting the cake, the jealous glutton knows not to tempt us with a t-bone steak, a dr. pepper, or even cookies. The jealous glutton is too clever. He tempts us with another piece of cake, tries to confuse our desires with "what if's" and "...really's...?", or tries to get us to question the goodness of the Server. The fact that the jealous glutton tries to convince us that cake, in general, isn't delicious is ridiculous! He knows that for some who know the Server very well, that ruining the relationship between those people and the Server by twisting up the truth is the only thing he's got left.