fab

who is this guy? what a loony.

ooh la la

i need to listen to more of what i say because it's makes for better sentences.

by "sentences", i mean better free-flowing thoughts.

by "free-flowing thoughts", i mean better songs, i think.

i've gotta' write in some capacity. (i almost wrote "crapacity", and as of now, that's pretty accurate). i'll be homeless and miserable if i don't make the push turn into a shove.

based on pages and pages and notebooks of notebooks of half-written scribbles of thought, i could die and be post-humously endured. but, i'd rather actually gather those things and make some musical use of them. i'm not a great vocalist by any means and i'm a decent guitar player, and even my writing is probably like a pre-teen falling in love, but i think i can make something of it. why not...i don't have anything else to do.

hey, blogworld

i'm so lazy.

i'm so burned/burnt (burnt looks better) out on the idea of nothing. (i sound like an idiot).

what do i have at my disposal? too much. i have "too" of everything, and it's become a hindrance to overcome.

i want to be something else. the idea of "else" is pretty great. "else" is a hard place to get to.

i don't even know where i am. am i in a place where i just constantly regret everything i do, and constantly devote myself to cynically attack every decent, original thought that comes into my head? i'm totally terrified of whatever's in these bones and beneath this skin.

my life is excruciatingly exciting. it comes at the expense of progression.

this is good. what can be better

???

i'll keep this post. i'll keep it. i'll keep because it came out.

reversion.inversion.

beats sleep.

beats a tired hand

and a scratchy piece of paper

scratching my eyes

johnny cash soloing

condensing breaths of a wind

to spit out "That"

dear, that's such a decorative lantern

a-thank-you, confusion

confusion meet me

salsa dancing (stole that)

avec

MY MY

confusion

idiot wind

breakdown of last post:

84% psychological/behavioral rationalization KO'ing the first commandment

11% disdain for technology

4% thoughts about Spain

1% chances I'm in outer space

I was reminded that I can't rationalize everything.

I wanted Corn Pops, instead

I'm battling my own personal cynicism even as I type out these words because it's probably going to escalate into an immature rant that I'll end up regretting by dawn. But, I've got nothing better to do because sleep won't come, either. Just don't even read it.

What are we doing? It's as vague of an inquiry as is the answer. I ask collectively because we're all of humanity at large, whether admittedly or not, asking the same question. Or, if we're not, we've just become extremely talented hiders. I can't hide for shit. I have this haunting crutch to never be content left wondering why I'm doing something. Not to point the existential finger (or give it to you for that matter), but I just can't help believe that most of us have somehow trapped our minds in the prisons of "job", "family", "accumulation", "retirement", usually in that order. I have nothing against having a family and an income by any means, but why have these things with such beautiful potential become stifling to the wild nature we all know we have? Shouldn't those things held most dear enhance and contribute to something adventurous, full of a visceral urge "to be"? I'm not petitioning to re-write American Beauty or Into the Wild, but my desire to gut and bleed out the status quo dines at a full table.

I've been stuffed with fears and bloated by anxiety for the past couple of years, but now, as my Facebook network has recently changed to "Texas Alum 09", I find (or rather, lose) myself in a panic about what I'm to do with my life. When the hell did circumstances for a twenty-something grow fangs and a wicked grin? Personal responsibilities have morphed into demands for success. Looking at my own life, I see that I'm primed to grow my WASP-y stinger if I want to, but I'm not sure that I want to. And if I choose to challenge that, I know I have institutional standards opposing that decision. Why does my socioeconomic status matter? If I'm not at my projected benchmark for the present quarter of my life, does that mean that I've failed the system? Whoops.

That society and technology are my brutal adversaries means I'm fighting in the clouds. I know that most of what I'm going through, and what many-a-fellow colleagues past and present have experienced, takes place in my soul. Nothing else makes sense. Am I on a "spiritual journey" stopping off at religious 7/11s on the way?

POW! PUNCH! ZOMP! This whole blog post started because I was specifically frustrated with music stuff. That took a few exits, and I ended up thinking about how I feel pressured to "keep up" with technology and society as a whole. I didn't like that idea of chasing after that stuff because I don't give a damn. (Of course, I'm typing on my new MacBook Pro and listening to Bob Dylan being invisibly played off some 'chip' or something). But the disconcerting part translates "the neglect to conform" into "Oh crap...I'm gonna' end up homeless and then get stabbed on the streets of Madrid." (I have no idea what Spain's crime rate is, but the Spanish coast is on my mind). But, minus being murdered, would that be the worst thing possible? The world keeps spinning.

I hate technology and I don't really know why. I hate technological advancements. I hate progression of information. I hate globalization. But I participate in all of these things everyday. What is technology trying to accomplish? (It gets tricky because medical advancements seem legitimate because I'm in the business of saving humans). I just feel we're wearing ourselves thin and then we'll all just implode on one another and then we're all screwed. So what do I usually do in order to save myself from my own cynicism so people won't think I'm nuts? Participate. I'm a sucker for some Althusserian interpellation, and it seems that's where I'm at. Even in my dreams to sell everything, travel, be homeless with a pen and paper, meet new people, etc. etc., I know it's just at the merciful hands of capitalism. Dammit. Even the media encourages me to go for it because they know my leash can't go around the world twice.

Eh, I really don't even feel like finishing this blog because I'm betting maybe three people will read it and just probably pray for me. I didn't mean for that to sound arrogant and resentful or that I'm pushing away God or prayer AT ALL...I know it's all I've got. I want to be clear about that. I'm just articulating that I want yours and my prayer to focus on trust. "Trust" me, I'm well aware that everything I'm writing and thinking about stems from a lack of trust about a million things. Don't pray for me to become responsible or to get prioritized or to finally put sheets on my bed or to take care of myself...if you offer a prayer, let it be--for all of us--just to trust. Trust goodness, trust hope, trust faith.

I'm going into outer space.

birds galore

i might be getting into birds. so far (in one INTENSE afternoon of wiki'ing 'birds'), i'm curious in the 'corvidae' family of birds which include crows, ravens, jays, and magpies, among others. apparently the most self-aware of birds (as suggested by mirror tests), these tweeters are on par with 'great ape' intelligence levels, if that even means anything.

yeah, that was my afternoon, more or less.

top 40

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee;
Holy, holy, holy, merciful and mighty!
God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!

Holy, holy, holy! All the saints adore Thee,
Casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea;
Cherubim and seraphim falling down before Thee,
Who was, and is, and evermore shall be.

Holy, holy, holy! Though the darkness hide Thee,
Though the eye of sinful man Thy glory may not see;
Only Thou art holy; there is none beside Thee,
Perfect in pow’r, in love, and purity.

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
All Thy works shall praise Thy Name, in earth, and sky, and sea;
Holy, holy, holy; merciful and mighty!
God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!

Alright, so one 'Reginald Heber' wrote this back in 1826...i'm sure we all knew that.

i don't really have anything else to say...just the hymn.

you in me loves you

from ozzie chambers this aft. it's not the whole entry, but my pen went-a-underlinin' away.

'the conditions of discipleship'

"If any man come to Me, and hate not...he cannot be My disciple." Luke 14:26

"[...] Our Lord never proclaimed a cause; He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself. To be a disciple is to be a devoted love-slave of the Lord Jesus...No man on earth has this passionate love to the Lord Jesus unless the Holy Ghost has imparted it to him."

"The only Lover of the Lord Jesus is the Holy Ghost, and He sheds abroad the very love of God in our hearts. Whenever the Holy Ghosts sees a chance of glorifying Jesus, He will take your heart, your nerves, your whole personality, and simply make you blaze and glow with devotion to Jesus Christ."

"...the Christian must be consistent to the life of the Son of God in him, not consistent to hard and fats creeds."

it's encouraging to know that all of my wanting and desiring for the Lord rightly so exists only because of the Holy Spirit within me; it is only because of His gift of the Spirit to us that we can have any hope at all to live in the light in a dark world. it makes me realize, once again, that God's gifts--which are freely given to be freely received--exemplify His affections towards us. yes, our eternal salvation in heaven with Him and the allowance to enter into a personal relationship with Him once again through His son are paramount, but we forget that here and now, on this earth, the relationship begins--eternity is now. and when we enter into that divine relationship with a good good good Father, He doesn't hold back. to be certain, we actually have to get over ourselves to accept His love, His gifts, His blessings. our natural selves have a hard time grasping this 'free gift' thing (or at least i do), so a lot of the time we act out in a false humility, so to speak. our pride masquerades as humility so as to not live in the victory (for whatever reason) of the Cross. "oh, i'm not good enough". well yes, that's the point...our natural selves aren't. but, Christ in us must be in communion with the Father; therefore, we must accept the Love. we cheat Christ in us and the Spirit when we deny their communion with the Father.

it's agreed, we're all sinners saved by grace, but we are no longer sinners. God doesn't call us sinners; He calls us saints. we need to walk in victory and acknowledge God's grace 24/7. yes, grace is the key.

"Lord, when you are glorified, my heart is satisfied to know all praise and honor are Yours."--Paul Baloche